I’ve been suffering with anal leakage for just over 10 years now which was triggered by a traumatic episode where I was fed drugs and emotionally abused. I escaped that environment but it triggered IBS and anal leakage. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been humiliated by this condition. It’s played with my head. At first I didn’t know what was going on, I thought it was in my head like part of the emotional abuse was. I didn’t know what anal leakage was for years. It’s clear liquid do it doesn’t look like bowel incontinence but reactions from people and feeling their disgust just traumatized me. Tbh, it’s still really easy to be in denial of and think it’s something else causing it or paranoia from fear of it happening. I refuse to let it control my life but being in denial of it has caused it to control it even more. Cotton wool up bum helps but it hurt so much once I felt like fainting so stopped it. I’ve lost jobs, friends, potential dates, I’ve been publicly humiliated numerous times. The difference in reactions from people is very telling, it separates the compassionate ones from the cruel ones, the shallow friends to the ones who choose to still see your good qualities, even if some friends still see it as a one-up-manship for their own insecurities. I have been so in denial and traumatized by it I didn’t know what was going on. Now I know what anal leakage is I am no longer in denial except when it happens the humiliation hits me so much harder and I really don’t know why I haven’t given up. The humiliation washes over me in my private moments like now that my face shakes and like it turns red. After this amount of time, everyone knows, it’s no longer a secret that some people don’t know about. I’m an attractive girl with no friends or partner or children. It’s ruined my life. I just started a new job and on my first shift it happened and as soon as I realised I went to bathroom and fixed it but not enough for my new boss to not make jokes about pooping pants and telling other people. My 2nd shift was today, it didn’t happen but 3rd shift tomorrow and it might. The fear of continuing is excruciating. I finally made an appointment with a female doctor who made an appointment with for a colonoscopy but telling her I became so stressed she thinks half of it is in my head but it’s just the way I explained it because the trauma has melted my brain. It didn’t happen on my 2nd shift, the 3rd shift it could. The easiest thing would be to quit but if it doesn’t happen then I can be normal. It’s like a curse and a trap. I already was vulnerable from emotional neglect and bullying from my family when I happened into the traumatic situation which started it off. How I haven’t turned psychotic with this ongoing trauma is a miracle. Instead it makes me quiet and weird at work because it’s better to close up in case it happens. It’s torture. I hope the colonoscopy appointment changes my life and cures it but the shame and humiliation for 10 years has already happened. I’m that girl. My ex’a girlfriend used it as an insult to throw at me. A guy friend told me no guy would ever put up with it and stopped talking to me. A fake friend spread it around, which led to my ex’a gf using it as an insult towards me. When I realized my ex knew I shook with humiliation in private but he seemed to be understanding, he came to visit me but which is what caused his new gf to insult me. I’ve had to leave jobs. Work place politics is a losing game when that bitchy coworker has that sort of ammo against you. What family I had, who already weren’t very nice to me from childhood, either laughed at me or distanced themselves from me. I can’t reiterate the humiliation enough. It’s a curse. What positives there is is that the judgement from people makes me determined to beat it. But underlying human nature is an underlying judgement or feeling sorry for me. You really get to know human nature when you’re basically an outcast. I want to continue but knowing I could be humiliated again has become too much that I feel trapped. I’ve had enough of being humiliated. But there’s no way to stop it unless I disappear from life and live on social benefits which I have been doing but that means poverty and it’s really hard I’ve kinda been forced back to work. Waiting on the colonoscopy appointment. I’m trapped.

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